Report: Email That Will Tear Your Life Apart Currently In Nemesis’s Draft Folder

DAYTON, OH—Several reports indicated Tuesday that the email that would tear your life apart was currently in your nemesis’s draft folder and that after it was sent, nothing would ever be the same again. According to sources, the 600-word email—penned by your lifelong foe—is CC’d to your friends, your relatives, and your current boss, and reportedly contains revelations about your past actions so salacious that it would turn even strangers against you. Sources added that in addition to ruining your future job prospects, the electronic dispatch would entirely undo everything worthwhile you had built in your life, destroy your reputation, and leave you destitute. Those familiar with the situation added that the message features the subject line “Some Things You Should Know” and includes three short paragraphs of calm, clinically written prose and a single attachment that would plunge you into a cycle of depression and despair. At press time, sources confirmed that your adversary’s index finger was currently hovering centimeters above the send button.