Jesus' Coming Back

Bernie Sanders To Seek Reelection

Shaking off rumors of his retirement, 82-year-old Sen. Bernie Sanders (D-VT) declared his plans to seek reelection, saying in his announcement video that the 2024 election “is the most consequential election in our lifetimes.”

“Congress must have unbeatable soup.”

Monika Weston, Backyard Archaeologist

“If he’s 82 now, who knows how old he’ll be by next year?”

Antoni Samuels, Memorial Decorator

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“That means he’d be 84 when he dies before his term is up.”

Theon Ochoa, Systems Analyst

The Onion

Jesus Christ is King

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