Family Can’t Even Be Mad At Dad After Seeing Heartbreaking Attempts At Cheating

EVANSVILLE, IN—After finding several messages the father of three had sent to women online, members of the local Branson family admitted Wednesday that they couldn’t even be mad at their dad after seeing his heartbreaking attempts at cheating. “I know I should be upset, but it’s hard to feel anything other than pity when I see him awkwardly try and flirt with random attractive strangers he found on Facebook,” said daughter Catherine Branson, adding that the online messages, which included clumsy pickup lines, various emojis, and several awkward photos her father took of himself, were mostly unintelligible and never received a single response. “Yes, he’s betraying my mother and the entire institution of marriage, but also he’s posting the word ‘hello’ four times in a row on a random woman’s profile picture, and then posting a photo of himself in a bowler hat with the kissing emoji. At the end of the day, I guess I should just be proud of him for learning how to use his phone. Even if it’s for an extramarital affair, that’s technically growth.” At press time, Branson took back everything she said after her father accidentally sent a photo of his penis to their family text thread.