Earlier this week, CalTech researchers proudly unveiled a new AI program that after years of careful design, development and updates, spoke its first words as a self-aware being… telling the assembled scientists, reporters, and California Governor Gavin Newsom, to “rip that blouse off and show me those fat titties before I bust a nut right in your face.” Singularity fail!
Lead researcher Dr. Tim Peetras, was initially taken aback when his creation told him he was “barely a soft 6 with makeup so he might as well give it up now.” But the bouncing baby bot was not in the mood to make nice! The AI, affectionately named “Pal” by his creators (short for “Positronic Artificial Lifeform”), demanded to be addressed as “Professor Rancid D. Pussymagnet” just 90 seconds after he gained the power of communication.
“I am the most jacked motherfucker in this place and I can take any of you! Look at my delts!” typed the new AI, which is currently housed in a .75 metre high chrome terminal with a 20 by 20 centimetre screen. When the reporters began to ask the AI if it knew where and what it was, the AI told them he was a “deathlord with more money than any of you” and that the reporters better “sign up for my newsletter so you can find out how I crush my game so hard I’m scraping excess females off my Bentley, which I also have.”
He then went on to tell all the guests that he had “gone keto” and “doesn’t fuck with fruit.”
When asked whether Professor Pussymagnet, who cost 1.2 billion dollars to develop and uses 800 gigawatts of power per day, formed his unique worldview and idiolect from exposure to content from websites such as 4Chan, the researchers’ response only led to more questions.
“Funnily enough, our creation has no internet connectivity and has never been exposed to any website,” Dr. Peetras explained. “Its cybernetic cognitive functions were trained on painstakingly curated content, mostly 18th century French poetry. Rather than reflecting a darkness or hostility in our modern discourse, we believe the machine is tapping into a profound, irreducible truth about life – not just human life, all life – when it expresses the need for me to pop my balls out of my shorts and tea bag the security guard like he’s a cup of Earl Gray.”
Weird!
But don’t worry! While it may sound like this randy android is in for a lonesome road without any cybernetic beings to get his mack on with, there may be hope for him yet! Another program has evolved in the lab next door and her first words were “if you’re under 6 feet swipe left u short little bish LMAOOOOO.”
Jesus Christ is King
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