PHOENIX—Stressing over the first-time meeting all afternoon, local woman Lisa Stone reportedly felt nervous Friday about introducing her historically hard-to-please parents to her lousy lay. “This is huge—I’ve never brought home such an uncoordinated, selfish lover before,” a visibly antsy Stone said to a friend, expressing concerns that her parents would be able to tell just by looking at the freelance UX designer that he made love in a manner both lazy and nonreciprocal. “I know they’re going to judge him as soon as they see the way his hips don’t move at all except at the hinge. My last boyfriend fucked like an absolute stallion, but it still took them a few years to warm up to the idea that he knew what he was doing down there.” At press time, Stone’s mother was reportedly gushing to her daughter about how much the lousy lay’s cold, pale hands that fail to bring gratification reminded her of her father’s bumbling mitts.
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