Bob Menendez Repeatedly Tries To Jam Gold Bar Into Courthouse Vending Machine

NEW YORK—Mumbling “Oh, come on” as his ingot was rejected again, Sen. Bob Menendez (D-NJ) was repeatedly trying to jam a gold bar into a vending machine at a federal courthouse in Manhattan, sources confirmed Monday. “Stupid slot, why won’t you take my money?” said the 70-year-old disgraced lawmaker, who kicked the machine in frustration before attempting to flatten the 99.5% pure gold bar one more time. “Is it not smoothed out enough? I don’t get it. All I want is some Fritos. It’s pure, I promise. Unless those Egyptians cheated me. Does anyone have some gold coins I can make change with?” At press time, a resigned Menendez had reportedly used the gold bar to smash the machine’s glass and pocket all the snacks.