Nation’s Weeping Spouses Announce They Don’t Recognize The Person You’ve Become

BOSTON—Revealing they felt blindsided by the person they trusted most, the nation’s weeping spouses held a press conference Tuesday to announce they don’t recognize the person you’ve become. “If you had told me all those years ago on our wedding day that this is who you would turn into, I never would have believed you,” said an inconsolable Kelsey Grant, 44, speaking on behalf of millions of tearful significant others across the country who claimed they never would have married you had they known you could sink this low. “When we lie in bed at night, I feel like I’m sleeping next to a complete stranger. You used to have hobbies, you used to have life. But now? Now you’re completely alien to me.” At press time, the nation’s weeping spouses reportedly screamed for you not to touch them.