A Day In The Life Of Rudy Giuliani

After years of serving in some of the highest positions of the U.S. government, Rudy Giuliani has had an unprecedented fall from grace, forcing him to file for bankruptcy last year. Here’s an inside look at how the once-beloved mayor of New York City now spends his days.

• 9 a.m.: Top-up embalming fluid.
• 11:46 a.m.: Reset pigeon traps.
• 1 p.m.: Two-hour nap to digest stray cat he had for lunch.
• 3:20 p.m.: Beg stranger at adjacent urinal to be his accountant.
• 5:02 p.m.: Take “Which Sex And The City Character Are You?” quiz.
• 6 p.m.: Dinner of whatever adhered to sole of loafer over course of day.
• 7:43 p.m.: Scan family tree for potential fourth wife.
• 9 p.m.: Lay out tomorrow’s barrel and suspenders.
• 9:45 p.m. Have his sexual advances stopped by a hand to the forehead.
• 10 p.m.: Desperately try old gate code at Gracie Mansion.