FORT COLLINS, CO—As part of its mission to encourage learning through free expression in a natural environment, teachers at local progressive preschool Sunshine Montessori Learning Center confirmed Tuesday they had abandoned their students in the woods. “Four-year-olds are natural learners, so we don’t want to interfere with that innate process by hovering over them as they’re discovering how to survive in the wilderness while completely cut off from civilization,” said Kayli Moreno, one of several teachers at the $20,000-per-year private school who reportedly led a class of blindfolded pre-kindergartners into a remote forest, told the children to count to 10, and then disappeared without at trace. “Sure, we could impose a rigid curriculum on kids that forces them to follow a strict set of rules about how to find water, forage for food, and stay warm enough to survive through the night. But then we wouldn’t be allowing them to develop the kinds of creative thinking skills they’ll need when they reach adulthood. Uh, if they reach adulthood.” At press time, reports confirmed 15 of the school’s children had been killed following a chance encounter with a mass shooter in the woods.
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