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Cartier Introduces New Diamond-Encrusted Gastric Lap-Band

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PARIS—Calling its latest piece a “must-have for anyone with a discerning eye” who is preparing to undergo bariatric surgery, the prestigious jewelry firm Cartier introduced a new diamond-encrusted gastric lap-band Friday retailing for $97,000. “The Maison Cartier is pleased to introduce a high-end implanted medical device for elegant consumers of taste and means who wish to add a bit of luxury to an upcoming weight-loss operation,” Cartier representative Angelique Moquin said as she pulled up an image from a helical CT scanner to show an adjustable white-gold gastric band paved with 3-carat brilliant-cut diamonds and tightened around the top portion of a jewelry model’s stomach. “No longer does reducing the capacity of your digestive system also mean cutting back on style. Why settle for a plain old silicone bariatric device now that you can treat yourself to a stunning and sophisticated belly piece by Cartier? Add some timeless refinement to your abdomen or show an obese loved one how much you care.” Cartier went on to announce it was including a pair of free rose-gold stomach staples with every purchase.

The Onion

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