Arizona Prosecutors Unable To Find Rudy Giuliani Despite Searching Dozens Of Landfills

PHOENIX—Trying for weeks to deliver a summons on charges of felony election interference to the former Donald Trump attorney, Arizona prosecutors reported Thursday they were still unable to locate Rudy Giuliani despite searching dozens of local landfills across the state. “Our multiple attempts to serve Mr. Giuliani with notice of his indictment in one of Arizona’s 39 landfills has so far been fruitless,” said Attorney General Kris Mayes, explaining that state investigators had formed a special field team that turned over burning tires, dug through piles of broken electronics, and shoveled away rusted, leaky batteries, but found no sign of the disgraced lawyer in any of his usual spots. “At one point, we located a swarm of rodents that was guarding a heap of wet trash in which Mr. Giuliani had been known to reside, but they denied us entry, claiming the former mayor no longer frequented that specific pile of rotting garbage. We suspect he may also have moved on from a swamp filled with wastewater runoff that was known to be one of his favorite haunts. Fortunately, though, we’ve found his DNA on empty bottles of blended scotch that form a trail from here to a dumpster in Long Island, so hopefully we’ll track him down soon.” At press time, Mayes expressed excitement after a snarling creature was found feasting on rancid meat her office had used to bait a trap for Giuliani, but she was forced to let it go after officials confirmed it was just Steve Bannon.