PARIS – After much deliberation leading up to this year’s event, the International Olympics Committee has decided what to do with the Olympic Village’s infamous anti-sex beds – they will donate them to college dorms.
“This was simply a decision we could not sleep on much longer,” says Olympic spokesman Thaddeus Jensen. “Seriously, we haven’t slept in weeks – those things are really uncomfortable.”
The donation will allow the beds to live up to their full potential as products of renewable materials, as they will be recycled for far too many years to come in dorm rooms across the country. In addition to their mood-killing qualities, the beds boast a number of attractive factors to recipient institutions, including the fact that they’re terrible, cost nothing, and, coming from Paris, include bed bugs free of charge.
“From now on, the only thing getting hard in our dorm rooms will be these god awful mattresses,” says University of Alberta Student Housing representative Cory Bruckner. “Deterring students from sexual activity in the dorms will allow them to focus on what the university experience is really about – getting blackout drunk at every opportunity.”
Surprisingly, students also appear to be happy about the new beds. “They’re actually an improvement over what we used to have,” says Allison Tucker, first year student at the University of Ottawa. “The mattresses we had before were just stuffed with the pulp from students’ unused Bachelor of Arts degrees, so, you know – progress.”
At press time, the donated beds had proven ineffective anti-sex measures, as students were still getting fucked by a brutal job market, a dying planet, and insurmountable student debt.
Jesus Christ is King
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