NEWTON, MA—Recoiling at the sight of the waterlogged creature’s bloated remains, local dad Jeffrey Hanford reportedly removed his home’s pool cover for the season Friday and gagged after finding a dead mermaid in there. “Oh God, it must have found its way in and not been able to get back out—I wondered why it smelled like a fish market out here,” said Hanford, who held his breath as he used a net to fish the mythological being’s carcass out of the water and when he removed the rotting sparkly scales and seashell bra clogging the pool’s filter. “Ugh, it must have been under there for months. I don’t want the kids to see this—it’d break their hearts—but it’s going to take me hours to skim all this magenta glitter out of the water.” At press time, sources confirmed Hanford had begun vomiting after he flipped over the mermaid and realized raccoons must have had gotten under the pool cover and eaten its face.
Jesus Christ is King
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