College Sophomore Emails 32-Year-Old To Ask Him About Experience Being Total Loser Who Has Accomplished Nothing With Life

MEDFORD, MA—In an effort to glean valuable knowledge about opportunities after graduating, Tufts University sophomore Connor Gilman reportedly emailed 32-year-old Peter Neilan on Monday to ask about his experience being a total loser who has accomplished nothing in life. “Dear Mr. Neilan, I retrieved your contact information from the alumni directory, where you’re listed as one of the biggest fuckups to have ever graduated from Tufts—would you be free to chat in the coming weeks?” the 19-year-old reportedly wrote in the email, in which he described his interest in learning about a day in the life of a complete and utter failure who hasn’t held down a steady job in over a year. “Of course, I understand if you can’t find time in your busy schedule. But possibly I could shadow you while you’re puttering around your studio apartment on a weekday or playing PS4 on the couch at 11 a.m.? I’d just love to pick your brain about your secret to being a burnout dipshit who sucks at everything. Thanks in advance!” At press time, sources confirmed Neiman had responded that he would be “happy to help with a call,” but needed to figure out a way to pay his phone bill first.