SPRINGFIELD, IL—Saying he planned to make the most of his time away from work, local man Ryan Gehring confirmed Monday that he would be taking a much-needed paternity leave to focus on himself. “Between my job and becoming a new parent, I’ve been under a lot of stress, so paternity leave should be a great opportunity to get a little me time,” said Gehring, explaining that he needed the six weeks of paid time off to completely disconnect from the difficult balancing act of dealing with his day job and helping his recovering wife care for their infant son. “Not being inundated with requests to submit expense reports and not being sleep-deprived because the baby was up all night—that’s going to do wonders for my mental health. My boy will only be a newborn once, so it’s important that I take advantage of this time to do my own thing. Before I know it, he’s going to be old enough to start forming memories of me not being around.” At press time, a revitalized Gehring was reportedly using his leave to prioritize getting his mistresses in order.
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