FREDONIA, AZ—In an effort to provide easier ungulate access throughout the grounds of the popular natural attraction, Grand Canyon National Park announced Friday the installation of new mule vending machines. “These five-story-tall vending machines are fully automated, providing parkgoers with year-round, 24-hour access to mules,” said park ranger Erin Peters, explaining that visitors who needed an animal to ride could simply swipe a card or insert a few bills before inputting a code to select the breed of live, screaming mule they wanted. “Once selected, the metal coil will engage and drop the desired mule several dozen feet into the retrieval bin. If the mechanism is gummed up with mule feces, please contact the maintenance number.” At press time, reports confirmed that after shaking a malfunctioning machine in an attempt to release a stuck mule, an entire Boy Scout troop had been crushed to death.
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