Kristi Noem Forced To Drive 500 Miles Around Tribal Land To Pick Up Dry Cleaning

PIERRE, SD—Furrowing her brow at the clock as she pressed down harder on the gas pedal, South Dakota Gov. Kristi Noem was reportedly forced to drive 500 miles around tribal land Thursday in order to pick up her dry cleaning. “I really wish I’d known I was going to be banned before I dropped this stuff off last week,” said the visibly stressed governor, who was recently prohibited from crossing into land legally belonging to indigenous American tribes and had already navigated six hours of back roads through the state’s mountainous terrain, hoping to pick up several dress options she needed for a gala. “They close at five, so I’m really cutting it close. It’s too bad, because these guys are the best, and it used to take only 30 minutes or so, meaning I could pop over after work, no problem. All the good stores are back the way I came, too, so I can’t say ‘Screw it’ and just buy something new instead. Ugh, I’m going to have to go to the mean dry cleaner closer to my house that ruined my suede blazer without so much as an apology.” At press time, sources confirmed Noem had made it to the business eight minutes before closing, only to realize she had left her claim ticket at home.