Restaurant Check Includes 3% Surcharge To Provide Owner’s Sugar Baby With Birkin

AUSTIN, TX—Frowning as she inspected the unexpectedly high bill, local diner Sonia Wirtz was reportedly informed Thursday by staff at the restaurant Dahlias that her check included a 3% surcharge to provide the owner’s sugar baby with a Birkin bag. “With the cost of Hermès rising every year, our management decided the best course of action was to add a 3% sugar fee,” said Wirtz’s server, who offered an apologetic smile as he explained that the surcharge was a measure that had been instituted after 56-year-old restaurant owner Robert Teeple left his wife and went thousands of dollars into debt trying to impress a college sophomore named Meghan. “I assure you the full amount of that fee will go toward a 20-year-old woman who learned what a Birkin is from the lyrics of a Drake song. The surcharge does not include gratuity, though some of that will also definitely go toward the sugar baby, as I have long suspected our boss is stealing our tips. However, if you like, I could remove the charge for you?” At press time, Wirtz had mumbled, “No, that’s fine,” and handed over her credit card.