INDIANAPOLIS—Admitted with complaints that it had been hard to tell the difference between their fingers and their food, everyone in Unity Medical Center emergency room Friday had bitten a digit off their hand while holding a sandwich, according to hospital officials. “At the present time, every bed in our ER is occupied by someone who inadvertently chewed their finger down to a nub while enjoying a chicken club, Reuben, or tuna melt,” ER administrator Lauren Calpert told reporters, explaining that the detached appendages had visible teeth marks well past the second knuckle, which she said was an indication that most of the patients had taken more than one bite of their finger. “Many of these individuals confirmed they felt pain while biting into their sandwich, but said they were so hungry for their lunch they continued eating anyway, not realizing that what they had assumed was mortadella or pepper jack cheese was actually a part of their body. We’ll do our best to reattach the fingers that weren’t swallowed, but that isn’t going to prevent these patients from chewing them off again the next time they eat a gyro or cheesesteak.” At press time, saying they really needed something to wash down their sandwich with, several of the patients reportedly failed to realize they were drinking the blood from their wounded hand.
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