FDA Recalls 50 Million Pounds Of Ground Meat Just To See What That Much Ground Meat Would Look Like In One Room

SILVER SPRING, MD—In an effort to gain insight into the food product, the Food and Drug Administration announced Friday it had recalled 50 million pounds of ground meat just to see what that much ground meat would look like in one room. “Effective immediately, we’re issuing a recall on any ground meat produced in the United States so we can create a huge mound in one sprawling warehouse room and just see what that’s like,” said FDA commissioner Robert Califf, adding that the agency’s advisory committees did not particularly care if the returned meat was ground poultry, pork, lamb, beef, or something else entirely, given that it would all be shoveled into a giant wet pile in the middle of their headquarters. “Will all that ground-up meat just reach the ceiling? Or will it fill up the room so much that it smashes through the windows and big clumps of meat go pouring out into the streets? These are the questions we’d like to answer. It’s kind of a morbid curiosity, honestly, because it might be a complete nightmare to see this much meat stacked up in one space. One thing’s for certain: We’re talking about a shit-ton of meat here.” At press time, the FDA had reissued the meat to consumers after the towering heap started to stink.