CLAYTON, MO—Rolling their eyes at the homemaker’s ignorance, sources confirmed Monday that self-proclaimed “trad wife” Tessa Busby was not even kidnapped from the village of her birth by a rival viking clan. “Has she ever gotten stuffed into a sack and transported across the North Sea on a longship?” said one source, who admonished the 33-year-old content creator for purporting to practice traditional gender roles when she very clearly had never wept while watching her burning homeland grow smaller and smaller on the shoreline. “No? Yeah, I didn’t think so. That phony was definitely never abducted. Just tell me you didn’t watch your future husband behead your father with his rune-inscribed battle axe without telling me!” At press time, sources added that the stupid lemon meringue pie Busby was filming herself baking had a shelf life of three days at best, compared to the several years she could get by salting and drying cod.
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