Everything Chicago Is Doing Ahead Of The DNC

Chicago is hosting the 2024 Democratic National Convention in August. The Onion examines everything the city is doing ahead of the DNC.

• More Police: If this doesn’t work, the city will go with its backup plan of even more police.
• Power-Washing Lake Michigan: Hundreds of city employees are scrubbing grime and graffiti to have the body of water squeaky clean by August.
• Funneling $25 Million Into An Alderman’s Wife’s Flower Shop: Tasteful floral arrangements are the backbone of any successful political convention.
• Nothing: Look, everyone has a lot on their plate these days. Chicago thinks it’s cool the DNC is coming to hang out, but don’t expect a red-carpet rollout.
• Remove The Italian Beef Stains On All Chicago Flags: Since the city wasn’t expecting out-of-town guests for a while, the city is scrambling with Tide to Gos to clean up all the Italian Beef juice stains from the city flags.
• Constructing Olympic Village: Someone fucked up and thought the Olympics were coming to Chicago, and now the city has to demolish its brand-new housing complex.
• Give The Convention Floor A Once-Over With The Zamboni: Delegates need to skate on smooth, even ice.
• Ordering 5 Large Pizzas: Three will be pepperoni and two will be cheese, for the vegetarian attendees.
• Sending Lori Lightfoot On An All-Expenses Paid Cruise To The Bahamas: DNC leaders thought it would be best to have the eccentric former mayor as far from the convention as possible.
• Dyeing The Chicago River: In honor of President Biden, the water will be turned milky beige.