Parents Just Called To Make Sure You Thought Of Every Possible Thing That Could Go Wrong In Life

HELENA, MT—In an effort to raise awareness of any and all potential catastrophes, your parents reportedly called Tuesday to make sure you thought of every possible thing that could go wrong in life. “Hey there, sweetie, just checking in to see if you understand that everything in your life is teetering on the edge of chaos and the floor could fall out from under you at any second,” said your mother, explaining that all your personal and professional relationships could implode at any second due to a wide number of reasons, many of which were completely out of your control. “It just popped into my mind that colorectal cancer is on the rise among young people, and I thought I would let you know. Oh, and before I forget, the risk of nuclear annihilation is higher than the Cold War. Love you!” At press time, your parents emphasized to please call them if you ever need to be told that the people you love most could die at any second without warning.