WASHINGTON—As part of a new nationwide etiquette initiative, a dialect coach was reportedly hired Wednesday to class up the American public before its big date with a wealthy man. “Enunciate! For God’s sake, enunciate!” barked the elocution professional, who grew more and more incensed, rubbing his face with the palms of his hands as he attempted to teach the nation to say “I’ll have a mineral water, please” with a General American accent. “Again, Boston, again! We have less than 24 hours before Richard’s driver arrives to pick you up, and this is what I have to work with? And Kentucky, you sound preposterous. Do you think he’s ever going to fall in love with you if you keep speaking like a yokel?” At press time, reports confirmed the horrified dialect coach had called in an etiquette coach after witnessing Chicago pick up a filet mignon with its bare hands and start chomping down.
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