MANHATTAN, NY – With Donald Trump becoming the first president in United States history to be found guilty of criminal charges, observers note that this felony conviction is also the first instance of Trump earning anything in his entire life.
“In all senses of the word, this is unprecedented,” explained Sherman Werner, a leading presidential historian. “Americans have never seen a former president convicted of a crime, let alone 34 felony convictions, just as they have never once seen an instance of Donald Trump accomplishing anything entirely under his own power.”
Observers note that earning these felony convictions fly in the face of Trump’s long documented history of never lifting a finger to do real work in his 77 years on this planet. Despite subsisting entirely on family wealth and business connections, having his reputation as a shrewd businessman created out of whole cloth by reality TV producers, and clinching the 2016 presidential election with massive help from Russian cyber operations, Trump has finally earned a criminal conviction entirely on his own.
During a press conference outside of the courthouse, Trump demanded full credit for his historic felony convictions.
“People said that it couldn’t be done, but I proved them all wrong,” explained the former president. “The haters out there said that it was impossible for me to actually earn anything, especially given my decades-long list of failed businesses and bankruptcies. But I earned all of these guilty verdicts – 34 out of 34, a no hitter if you will.”
“Now, this was a long day in court earning these felony convictions, and my diaper is absolutely filled to the brim with my own waste. Excuse me,” Trump added before slowly shuffling away.
At press time, the official Republican presidential platform has been amended to include a 34 felony minimum.
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