NEW YORK—In the wake of the landmark trial that made him the first person to both serve as president of the United States and be convicted of a felony, the entire nation reportedly shrugged Thursday after hearing about the 34 guilty charges for Donald J. Trump and then unpaused the most recent episode of MILF Manor. “Huh—what’s going on? Something about Trump? That’s fine,” said 43-year-old Springfield, MA resident Mary Wilcox, echoing the reaction of millions of Americans who responded to the historic verdict by nodding their head to acknowledge that it had occurred and then returning to an episode of the TLC reality series entitled “How To Lose A MILF In 10 Days” in which the contestants go on a romantic beach excursion. “I’m not actually sure how the news even got on my TV. Maybe I sat on the remote wrong? Probably won’t vote anyway. Okay, there, now it’s loading up again. God, that Jami looks amazing. Being a dance instructor is really paying off for her.” At press time, the visibly emotional nation had jumped to its feet and shouted at the unprecedented decision of Kelly Mac to wear a cheeky bikini at the age of 59.
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