New Hormone-Free IUD Wards Off Sperm With Steady Emission Of Police-Grade Pepper Spray

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Calling it a breakthrough product for anyone not wishing to become pregnant, medical technology giant Johnson & Johnson announced plans Thursday to bring to market a hormone-free IUD that wards off sperm with a steady emission of police-grade pepper spray. “For years, patients have been able to choose between a progestin-based or copper IUD, but soon they’ll have a new option that leaves sperm burning, in pain, and completely incapable of fertilizing an egg,” said company spokesperson Mary Anne Firth, explaining that with its ability to disable sperm temporarily, the T-shaped device’s continuous stream of tactical pepper spray would also offer a nonlethal alternative to spermicides. “When ejaculate breaches the vaginal canal, it will encounter a torrent of chemical irritant boasting a heat level of 2,000,000 Scoville units that disorients and incapacitates the sperm, causing each cell to wince in pain and clasp its inflamed head with its flagellum. Any eggs in the vicinity will then have time to flee safely back up a fallopian tube while the semen is immobilized.” Johnson & Johnson stated that the new product causes significantly less bleeding than other hormone-free IUDs, especially those that work by disabling sperm with a steady spray of bullets.