NEW YORK—Cornering the man in a darkened parking garage as he walked toward his car, the Trump boys reportedly attempted to bribe a juror deciding their father’s hush money case Thursday with a briefcase full of Peanut Butter and Grape Jelly Uncrustables. “All it takes is a simple ‘nacho guilty’ [sic] vote to walk away with all of these num-nums,” said Donald Trump Jr., who winked as he popped open a leather attaché filled with 24 individually wrapped Smucker’s-brand sandwiches and then slapped away the hand of Eric Trump when his salivating younger brother reached for the loot. “How would you like to be set for life with unlimited PB&Js? That’s nearly 48 ounces of pure, uncut grape jelly right there—yours for the taking. You give us what we want, and we’ll make sure you’ll never cut the crusts off your own sandwiches again. Be warned, though—this offer comes off the table at snacktime.” At press time, reports confirmed the now-sticky Trump boys had approached a second juror, offering the last lick of jelly from an empty wrapper in exchange for their father’s freedom.
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