U.S. Army Recruiter Has Bound, Gagged Civilian That Teen Can Shoot Right Now If He Enlists

KERRVILLE, TX—Offering an added incentive in the hopes of enticing the young man to sign up for the military, U.S. Army recruiter Henry “Tex” Teevens revealed during a job fair Thursday that he had a bound, gagged civilian that 18-year-old Milo Carnes could shoot right now if he enlisted. “Yeah, buddy, I got one right here, and if you just put your John Hancock down on this standard service commitment, he’s all yours,” said the 35-year-old staff sergeant, explaining that the high school senior could simply “pop over to the other side of the booth” and take as many free shots as he wanted at the heavily restrained and completely innocent man, a perk the military provided to each new recruit. “Now, I’m not entirely sure what this gentleman’s whole deal is. Looks like he could be from the Middle East. Don’t know, don’t really care. It’s an eight-year obligation, but if you sign up, I can let you start firing rounds into him immediately.” At press time, Teevens had taken the safety off his sidearm and handed it to the teenager, stressing that if Carnes got deployed, there would be a lot more civilians like this one in his future.