HOLLYWOOD, CA — Disney producers announced a new installment in the Indiana Jones franchise this week featuring the decaying corpse of Harrison Ford his iconic role.
“We thought we had probably done enough sequels but then someone mentioned how much money we could make parading around the desiccated corpse of Mr. Ford and I thought about how much I like money so I greenlit the project immediately!” Disney Producer Kathleen Kenedy told reporters. “With the magic of CGI, we’re going to just de-age Harrison so he looks alive again. It’s a new technology the White House has been using for Biden’s press conferences for a few months now.”
The world had breathed a collective sigh of sadness mixed with relief upon the realization that after Ford’s death, they would never again be subjected to additional Indiana Jones sequels. After realizing it hadn’t completely drained every ounce of credibility out of the beloved franchise even after that vine-swinging scene in Crystal Skull and three-fourths of Dial of Destiny, Disney decided they would dig up the resting bones of one of America’s most well-known actors to give things another go.
“Indiana Jones And The Reanimated Corpse Of Indiana Jones should be a box office smash!” Kennedy remarked. “Our best people are already working on using Ford’s cadaver in ways that honor and respect the deceased actor, like a scene where they launch his carcass off the end of a cliff in a little inflatable raft into a river.”
At publishing time, Disney had announced it would also be digging up the bones of the dog that played Benji in the beloved 80s franchise for an additional three installments and was considering unthawing the cryogenically frozen head of Walt Disney to see what he thinks about all the gay stuff they’re up to these days.
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