Jimmy Carter Becomes Second President Convicted Of Felony For Sticking Up Waffle House

PLAINS, GA—On the heels of Donald Trump receiving guilty verdicts on 34 felony counts in New York, Jimmy Carter became the second president ever convicted of a crime Friday after a jury found he broke numerous laws while sticking up a Waffle House near his home in Georgia. “Today’s verdict shows that the rule of law applies to everyone, even a former president of the United States who bursts into a diner, waves around a Glock, and demands all the money in the register plus an All-Star Special with a side of biscuits,” said Sumter Country district attorney Lewis R. Lamb, who spoke on the courthouse steps after securing guilty verdicts on over a dozen counts of armed robbery, aggravated assault, vandalism, and theft. “No one, not even a Nobel Peace Prize laureate, can—for no apparent reason—pistol-whip a patron sitting at a restaurant’s counter and then pour a carafe of piping hot coffee onto his face. Not without facing consequences. Today’s verdict shows that Mr. Carter was not above the law when the police tracked him down in a roadside motel surrounded by empty bottles of Jim Beam and a thousand dollars’ worth of meth and he looked up at his arresting officer and said, ‘The fuck took you so long?’” At press time, Carter’s attorneys had appealed the verdict, saying that his status as a former president gave him complete immunity to do donuts in a Waffle House parking lot while kissing his 17-year-old girlfriend, firing a gun into the air, and shouting, “Wooooooooo! Fuck yeah!”