Celebratory Edmonton Oilers spray locker room with unrefined bitumen as they advance to Stanley Cup Final

EDMONTON – Following a 2-1 victory over the Dallas Stars, the Edmonton Oilers celebrated their advancement to the 2024 Stanley Cup Final by spraying their entire locker room with hundreds of barrels of Alberta crude bitumen.

“We’re coming for the Cup! WOO!” yelled captain Connor McDavid, spraying viscous black liquid into the faces of his victorious teammates. Following a power play goal from McDavid, as well as a goal from left winger Zach Hyman, the team elected to celebrate in the traditional Albertan manner.

While the gallons of unprocessed bitumen sprayed over the Rogers Place lockers rooms currently represent a cost of up to $55 US per barrel, the team assures reporters that it is worth it.

“This is the best day of my life! Also, I think I’m gonna be sick from all this bitumen I accidentally swallowed,” shouted goalie Stuart Skinner, following his 34-save performance.

With the Oilers facing off in the Final against the Florida Panthers next week, premier Danielle Smith assures Albertans that Edmonton’s team will be well stocked.

“We don’t want to jinx anything,” explained Smith, “but rest assured that, if our boys bring home the Cup, they’ll be drinking nothing but the good stuff. That’s right, pure refined petroleum, from the Strathcona region.”

At press time the entire Oilers starting lineup have been rushed to Royal Alexandra Hospital to have their stomachs pumped.

Beaverton