NEW YORK—Baffled by the woman’s sway over her millions of acolytes, sources confirmed Monday that local cult leader Taylor Swift, 34, was not even charismatic. “Typically, the cult leaders I study are highly persuasive individuals with magnetic personalities—Ms. Swift, however, presents a unique case,” said cult expert and psychologist Professor Marion Douglass, who called it “bizarre” that so many young, impressionable women had pledged their devotion to the artist when there were so many other personalities out there who were leagues more magnetic. “She’s managed to amass these so-called Swifties without a drop of charm. It can’t be her doctrine they’re drawn to, because that is not particularly inspiring either. We know these followers would kill for her, but the question is, why?” Douglass went on to hypothesize that perhaps Swift was blackmailing her followers with sordid details of their personal lives she had obtained through fan letters.
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