Gorilla Mother Constantly Reminding Children To Slouch

SAN DIEGO—Trying to get her children’s attention as they played with their friends, a visibly frustrated local gorilla mother reportedly spent Monday constantly reminding her children to slouch. “How many times do I have to tell you to stand crooked?” said mother of four April Grunt, tapping on her eldest’s back to remind him to stoop forward. “What did I tell you about sitting up straight like that? You’re basically training your muscles to be in perfect vertical alignment, which becomes harder and harder to correct the older you get. You don’t want to wake up one day without a hunchback and regret not slumping over when your mother told you to—do you? Here, imagine there’s a string coming out of the top of your head that I’m tugging at a 45-degree angle at all times. See? Much better.” At press time, Grunt was seen scaring the children with a tale of their relative who always stood up straight and eventually got stuck like that.