LOS ANGELES – Following his latest nomination for a Nickelodeon Kids Choice Award, rapper Drake has announced that coincidentally several kids are also nominated for his long-running Drake’s Choice Awards.
“I don’t know man, I just really love kids. It’s why I spend so much time texting them about boys in the middle of the night”, said the performer as he stood exactly 50 and 1 feet away from the nearest elementary school.
“Plus, there was that time I rented out an entire restaurant to celebrate Bella Harris’ 18th birthday? Why would a guy do that, besides wanting to celebrate a kid he really cherishes, and definitely isn’t about to start dating publicly like a totally sad and pathetic old predator?”
“All I can say is, competition is fierce,” said Drake, while looking through his phone’s super weird contact list. “No telling which kid’s gonna take top prize at the Drake’s Choice Awards this year, because I got my eye on a lot of kids. If you catch my drift.”
The nominees are spread across several categories, like “children Drake started grooming at 14”, “children whose birthday parties Drake performed at and then later dated”, and “children he sexually assaulted live on stage at a concert in Denver in 2010”.
Drake also reiterated that tickets to the awards are still available, as the original guest list happened to be 1:1 with a list of local sex offenders.
At press time, Drake revealed that the venue is still to be confirmed, as no bouncy castle place will rent to him anymore.
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