Jesus' Coming Back

NHL schedules Stanley Cup Final Game One for August long weekend

Sunrise, FL – The Edmonton Oilers and Florida Panthers are set to face off in the 2024 Stanley Cup Final, which will begin just over two months after the conclusion of the Conference Finals.

Some have criticized the NHL for the long break in between games, claiming it drains all the momentum built up over the first three rounds of the Stanley Cup Playoffs. Yet, the league stands by its decision.

“In an effort to avoid competition with the NBA playoffs, the Stanley Cup Final will take place at the height of the Summer Olympics instead,” says NHL commissioner Gary Bettman. “When better to watch our beloved winter sport than the hottest month of the year?”

The Commissioner went on to explain that the lengthy break between series will also help maintain Canada’s Stanley Cup drought for as long as possible, a top priority for the league.

“I can’t wait to bring the Cup home to Canada, where it belongs,” says Oilers superstar Connor McDavid. “But every time I say that, the league threatens to push back the series another month.”

To allow for extra travel time between the northernmost and southernmost stadiums in the NHL, the league has also scheduled extra long gaps in between each game. Game 2 will take place on Labour Day, and Games 3 and 4 will take place on Canadian and American Thanksgiving, respectively. 

Game 5 (if necessary) will take place at a secret time and location revealed only to ESPN+ subscribers (regional restrictions apply), while Game 6 is completely missing from the schedule and Bettman changes the subject any time anyone brings it up. 

A possible Game 7 is scheduled to conflict with the next Super Bowl, whenever that may be. The league has already prepared a press release blaming Canada for low ratings. 

Beaverton

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