Op-Ed by Gayle N. Easton
This past month, I decided to participate in Canada’s hottest trend since last summer’s troubling climate change temperatures: the national Loblaws boycott. I already gave up smoking after a single puff of a cigarette in the ninth grade and I’d just finished shitting myself after doing Whole30, so I thought, hey, why not?
Turns out, thirty days without Loblaws is the most satisfying, gratifying, clarifying experience a human being can have. Don’t believe me? Take a break from sweating over how you’ll afford groceries this month and take a look at the top five ways giving up Loblaws improved my life.
1. Skin. Stress zits be gone! Now that I’m not stressing over how to afford both food and a pot to cook it in, my skin has never been better. My face is as soft and dewy as the produce currently rotting in Loblaws’ deservedly empty stores. The only thing popping out of these pores is my newfound will to live.
2. Digestion. Turns out having access to food does wonders for your gastrointestinal system. Now that my intestines aren’t atrophying from lack of use, I can actually afford the other products and medications I need for my well-being. But I won’t be getting them from Shoppers. I get my prescriptions at Rexall, because I’m a rebel.
3. Finances. You know how scientists say we only use 10% of our wallets? Turns out it was because we were spending the other 90% on a single pack of chicken breasts at Loblaws. Truly amazing what you can accomplish when the majority of your paycheck isn’t going straight into Galen Weston Jr.’s sweater vest budget. Just kidding. Billionaires don’t budget.
4. Brain. By giving up No Name, I can actually remember the names of the things I need to live, like “food” and “water” and “basic human decency.” Has anyone told Galen and his buddies about this? Feels like they forgot a few of those things.
5. Libido. Nothing gets me in the mood to fuck like fucking over an evil, greedy corporation.
So, in conclusion, would I recommend giving up Loblaws for thirty days? Abso-fucking-lutely. Honestly, I’ve never felt better. Think I’ll do this every month.
Jesus Christ is King
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