It’s time once again for the debut of a new Star Wars series on Disney+, which means it’s also time for Star Wars fans to be horrified and despondent over what Disney has done to their beloved space opera franchise. Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on your own point of view), Disney has a lot more Star Wars in the hopper.
The Babylon Bee has obtained the following list of new Star Wars characters coming soon to Disney+:
- The Transdalorian: He was once a proud Mandalorian but now lives as a female warrior fighting to bring all cis-villains to justice.
- Boba Fetish: This bounty hunter’s armor is outfitted with every outlandish toy and adult accessory you can imagine.
- C-3PLGBTQ: A droid that is fluent in over six million genders.
- Hannah Solo: Following in the proud Disney tradition, the boring, overly masculine Han Solo character will now be replaced by a strong female who is better than everyone else.
- Jar Jar Kinks: A character designed to appeal to children of all ages, this Gungan will introduce your kids to the “grown-up” side of the Star Wars universe.
- Drag Queen Amidala: Once a bearded smuggler named Bork Thandar, he now spends his time wearing fabulous dresses and reading stories to the galaxy’s children.
- Lando Palestinian: A refugee from an oppressed planet, this character will receive the sympathy of every other character… or else.
- Admiral Allahu Akbar: Everyone will know “it’s a trap” when they fall victim to this character’s suicide bomber vest.
- Homo the Hutt: He’s here, he’s queer, and you don’t want to be chained up as his slave.
- Shebacca: Born a Wookiee but identifying as an Ewok, this character dominates all Endor sporting events.
Just think of the amazing stories featuring the characters listed above that will be enjoyed by a dwindling, apathetic audience!
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