Brought to you by: Praxis
In case you haven’t heard, college is expensive these days – and despite what many people think, a college degree isn’t an automatic pathway to success and wealth. In reality, there is a long list of ways to invest your money that can provide a better return!
The Babylon Bee is here to prove it with the following comprehensive list of investments that offer a better return than a college degree:
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A Red Lobster franchise
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Hunter Biden paintings
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A car that is currently on fire and driving off a cliff
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An iPod Shuffle
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A big ol’ pile of dirt
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Joe Biden collectible NFTs
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VCR (that’s a videocassette recorder for your Gen Zers)
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DogeCoin (that’s imaginary money with a dog on it for you boomers)
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MySpace stock
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Pogo stick lessons
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Whatever currency they use in Venezuela
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A 401k at Enron
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America Online CDs
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Oakland A’s season tickets
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Rose Tico action figures
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That pier Biden built in Gaza
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Pogs
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A motorhome currently floating down a river
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A chain of steakhouses over in India
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Kristi Noem’s Pet Resort
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The exiled Nigerian prince who emailed you asking for financial help
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CNN+ subscription
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COVID-19 vaccines
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Nickelback lunchboxes
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Sam Bankman-Fried’s next cryptocurrency enterprise
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Coupons for free games of bowling at Boo-Boo Bowlers
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Women’s razor store in Portland
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Cabbage Patch dolls
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WNBA trading cards
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Beanie Babies
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A wind farm on the moon
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All-you-can-eat buffet restaurant next door to Lizzo
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Blackberry phones
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Vacation timeshare in Gaza
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Cicada farm
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Future seasons of Amazon Prime’s Rings of Power
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Actual snake oil
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Tupperware
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Joe Biden’s “How to Walk Like a Winner” instructional video course
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Blocks of ice
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A beachfront property in Kansas
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A high-end jewelry store in downtown Oakland
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Pretend pirate money from the Dollar Store
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A parlay on New York Jets to win Super Bowl and Chicago White Sox to win World Series
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Collectible Harry Potter Pez dispensers
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Raw oysters
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Liquor store in rural Utah
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MAGA baseball cap stand at the Democratic National Convention
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Your sister-in-law’s essential oil business
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Big & Tall clothing store in Cambodia
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Angel Hernandez Umpire School
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Hush money payment to Stormy Daniels
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A subscription to The Babylon Bee!
Pour your money into any (or all) of the investments listed above, and you’re guaranteed to get a better return than spending money on a college degree. Pick a few from the list to make sure you diversify!
NOT SATIRE: Unsure what to do after high school? Praxis can help.
Over the past decade, our team at Praxis has helped hundreds of young adults start their careers, build skills, grow their networks, navigate their job hunts, and develop a roadmap for their futures.
We know what it takes to succeed without college, and we’d like to share this knowledge with you and your family. Because we think it’s important you’re aware of your options. Especially considering the cost of college and average outcomes for graduates today.
That’s why we created 5 Tips for Opting Out of College Successfully: A Short Course in Winning the Early Innings of Your Career Without A Degree.
It’s a 45-minute workshop jam-packed with tips and exercises to help your teen or young adult gain career clarity, learn how to create value, grow his or her network, and achieve career success – even if they don’t go to college.
You can access the full workshop for free by following this link.
We asked Trump to narrate 7 more famous historic battles, and the result was tremendous and magnificent. Everyone says so.
Subscribe to our YouTube channel for more tactical instruction
Babylon Bee
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