EDMONTON – With the 2024 Stanley Cup Finals fast approaching, sources close to the Edmonton Oilers have confirmed that the team has a new strategy for victory – namely, hoping the Florida Panthers are too demoralized by the sight of Edmonton, Alberta to play an effective game of hockey.
Coaches for the Oilers have outlined the ways that Edmonton – a city that required very little modification to serve as the post-apocalyptic wasteland in HBO’s The Last of Us – may give the team a strategic advantage.
“We realized going into the playoffs that our best weapon isn’t our offense, or our defense, or even Connor McDavid,” said head coach Kris Knoblauch. “It’s the fact that our city is such a bleak, featureless expanse of tundra that the Florida players will no longer be able to summon the physical or mental strength necessary to pick up a hockey stick after just two hours of wandering the Bonnie Doon mall.”
“In fact,” continued coach Knoblauch, “when these Floridians get their first look at the city and realize they’ve been transported to an irredeemable frozen dustbowl where neither trees nor love can truly thrive, we expect them to simply give up on their dreams entirely and get right back on the plane.”
Edmonton residents appeared largely unbothered by the suggestion that their city is a barren, inhospitable shithole capable of extinguishing the fire in a young heart.
“Edmonton is my home. Always has been. Always will be,” said Ted Boychuk, a 41-year-old Edmonton resident who has somehow never been outside the Anthony Henday ring road. “And you can say whatever the fuck you want about it if it’ll help the Oilers win the playoffs. Do you know how long I’ve waited for this? I would swallow every single one of the Talus balls if I thought it would help the team make it to game 6.”
The Florida Panthers could not be reached for comment, as they were busy taking the warm glow of the sun for granted.
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