HARRISBURG, PA—Stressing that they began researching their options before she was even born, local parents Jen and Greg Flannery told reporters Wednesday they devoted every second possible to getting their daughter into a good harem. “It’s a lot of work, but we know that getting her into the right brothel with the right shah will set her up for success down the line,” said Jen Flannery, adding that in today’s world, it didn’t matter how striking their daughter’s eyes, face, and smile were if she wasn’t locked in a house with the correct concubines. “Even though she’s young, the meetings we’re having with sister wives now are laying the building blocks for her future. I wish my parents had sent me to a harem with the finest silks and laces instead of some grubby, third-tier one down the street from our house.” At press time, the Flannerys’ daughter had reportedly dropped out of a prestigious harem, wasting thousands of dollars in precious spices, gold necklaces, and obedience lessons.
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