Embarrassed David Attenborough Realizes He Spent 10 Minutes Describing Stillness Of Duck Decoy

CHELMSFORD, ENGLAND—Interrupting his hushed narration about the inanimate bird’s majesty as he observed it from a small boat, an embarrassed David Attenborough reportedly realized Friday that he had just spent the past 10 minutes describing the stillness of a duck decoy. “The male mallard is a temperate waterfowl, known for its remarkable ability not to blink or even move for minute after minute—wait a second, oh, goddammit, really?” said the renowned naturalist, who grew visibly flustered as he squinted at the wooden bird, cutting off his own monologue praising the “incredible display of commitment and near-woodenness” on the part of the nonliving bird in order to scream with frustration. “I guess I wasn’t wrong to say how serene it looks, but…Jesus Christ. No one could have told me? No one? Fuck all of you. Seriously. Well, I suppose I should have learned my lesson when I tried to speak to that scarecrow in Mozambique.” At press time, Attenborough was spotted chewing out a flustered assistant director of photography and insisting that he needed to delete the footage immediately.