Millions Dead After God Accidentally Drops AC Unit Out Of Heaven

THE HEAVENS—Despite the deity swearing He had secured “that piece of shit” properly, millions were confirmed dead Friday after God, Our Heavenly Father, accidentally dropped His air-conditioning unit out of heaven. “Oh fuck, I don’t know what happened—one minute I’m trying to prop up the AC, and the next it’s hurdling towards earth,” said the Lord our God, Divine Creator and Ruler of the Universe, adding that He had wedged a two-by-four under the AC unit, but it nonetheless tumbled out of His hands and plummeted from His third floor walk-up, which is located approximately 300 light-years above the planet. “Oof, that cannot be good. I yelled ‘Watch out,’ but I’m not sure anyone in North America heard. Why didn’t I just hire a Taskrabbit for this shit? Ugh, this is exactly how the dinosaurs died!” At press time, the Supreme Being could be overheard crying and begging to keep His security deposit after His landlord learned He had damaged the AC unit.