THE HEAVENS—Describing the experience as among the most painful a father can go through, the Lord God Almighty opened up to reporters Monday about the struggle of losing His only son to video game addiction. “What really gets to Me is seeing this wonderful, bright, loving child lose His divine spark and spiral deeper and deeper into His obsession with these meaningless games,” said the Maker of Heaven and Earth, who grew visibly emotional as He discussed watching the Messiah stay up until 4 a.m. to play Overwatch 2 with His clanmates and never once bother to tell them they should love their neighbors as themselves. “Lately, He won’t even eat a decent meal or take a shower, because He’s too busy grinding up His levels. I try to talk to Him about stuff He used to be interested in, like universal love and service to others, but the only things He seems to care about are hot keys and loot boxes. Let’s put it this way: While He may have risen from the dead in three days, it’s going to take Him a lot longer to rise from that beanbag chair He just slumped down in to play StarCraft II.” God added that people had no idea what it was like to ask a son if He wanted to return in glory to judge the living and the dead and have Him scream at you to go out and buy Him more Monster Energy drinks.
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