Palestinian Researchers Discover Startling Correlation Between Holding Hostages In Your Home And People Shooting You

GAZA — In what was viewed as a potential breakthrough in addressing tensions in the war-torn region, Palestinian researchers discovered a startling correlation between holding hostages in your home and people shooting you.

The new study’s findings came on the heels of a rescue operation conducted by the Israeli military to free hostages being held in Palestinian territory, with results pointing to a clear link between agreeing to imprison hostages in your home and subsequently having soldiers firing live rounds on you in an attempt to free said hostages.

“There is a distinct connection here,” said lead Palestinian hostage-holding researcher Amah Salibi. “All of the data we collected showed that keeping hostages in your home leads to an exponential increase in the risk of having people shooting at you at some point in the very near future. The evidence is staggering, really.”

When asked if this statistical correlation would cause Palestinians to shift their strategy away from holding hostages in their homes, Salibi was non-committal. “No, I don’t think so,” he said. “We will likely continue helping Hamas keep their hostages by holding them in our homes, thereby creating situations where our homes will be shot at and raided. This makes no difference whatsoever.”

An Israeli Defense Force spokesman confirmed the study’s findings. “Yes,” said David Ben-Avraham. “If we find out hostages are being held in a Palestinian home and the occupants of the home refuse to turn over the hostages, we will shoot. This is true.”

At publishing time, the same Palestinian research team had also discovered a link between firing rockets at Israel and having artillery fired back.

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