Toronto – In a democratic exercise set to take place later this month, voters in Toronto-St Pauls, centered around one of Canada’s wealthiest neighbourhoods in Forest Hill, will elect a new MP to voice their concerns–of which they have none–to Ottawa.
Folks on the street struggled to think up any complaints. “You know what’s gotten out of control lately? Tipping,” said one man who refused to give his name when we accidentally rolled our eyes at his answer. “Yeah. People ask you to tip too much now. And, um…women’s sports? There should be a law so trans women don’t play women’s sports.”
The resident continued to list off political issues only people without problems think about before leaving to make a midday appointment for personal training.
“We always hear on the news that Canadians are struggling,” said local political scientist Edward Merensky. “But this by-election asks the question: what about those who aren’t struggling? What’s up with them?”
The seat is being contested to replace Carolyn Bennett, who was first elected in 1997 and kept winning, despite having no accomplishments, because everyone was “basically fine” with “keeping things they way they are.” Dr Bennett has retired after 27 uneventful years to be Canada’s Ambassador to Denmark, the Forest Hill of Europe.
Three major candidates will compete to win the Job for Life. They are Liberal Party insider Lesley Church, NDP insider Amrar Parhar, and Conservative insider Don Stewart who, like 80% of the adult population of the neighbourhood, is in investment banking or private equity or something.
Asked to identify the key issues that inspired him to take action, Mr Stewart was circumspect.
“My number one issue is the capital gains tax exemption,” Stewart managed to say with a straight face. “It’s going to really hurt people who flip condos in their spare time, or who have more properties than grandchildren so they can’t hide their money by putting all the deeds in the kids’ names.”
Other locals, while unable to name specific grievances or obstacles, still defended their neighbourhood. “You think life is easy here, but it’s not. We have troubles like anyone else, we’re just not comfortable talking about them because we know the rest of the country will make fun of us,” said a giant stupid baby on his way to his bullshit life. “We have problems too, even if we don’t always remember what they were.”
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