Goose Comforted By Visions Of Long-Dead Relatives Beckoning It Into Jet Engine

SARASOTA, FL—As the sudden appearance of his ancestors drew the bird several feet closer to the Boeing 747’s turbine, local goose Chester Hanson was reportedly comforted Tuesday by visions of his long-dead relatives beckoning him into a jet engine. “Mom? Dad? Uncle Henry?” said the 3-year-old Canada goose, who initially flapped away from the jetliner’s whirring fan blades out of fear, but was soon mesmerized by the honks of deceased avian forerunners promising all the seeds, nuts, and grass he could ever want if he simply joined them. “It seems so much easier, so much simpler. Everyone I’ve ever loved is in there. I’ll never have to hiss at a toddler and make them cry again. It’ll just be me and my flock, spinning forever together in peace and harmony.” At press time, sources confirmed the relatives’ faces had coalesced into a flaming demonic bird at the gates of hell just moments before the terrified goose entered the turbine.