House Of Representatives Joins Rest Of America In Holding Merrick Garland In Contempt

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a vote that dealt a blow to one of the most prominent public faces of the Biden administration, the House of Representatives joined the rest of America in holding Merrick Garland in contempt.

House Republicans were successful in their attempt to officially reprimand Garland for his repeated refusals to comply with congressional subpoenas to testify in matters related to allegations of corruption within the Department of Justice, leading Congress to finally unite with millions of other Americans in their contempt for the current U.S. Attorney General.

“It turns out everyone else in the country has been right all along,” said Congressman Steve Scalise. “Merrick Garland has apparently been contemptible for quite some time and we’re just late to the party. Though we’re behind the American people on this, it’s better late than never. Yeah, Merrick Garland is just awful. It’s nice to find ourselves in agreement with everyone on this.”

Americans reached for comment were in full agreement with the House vote. “It’s about time!” said fed-up citizen Nate Thomas. “We’ve held Merrick Garland in utter contempt for years now. It’s great that the House is jumping on board, but come on… this is old news. Merrick Garland was terrible a long time ago. Glad to see people in Congress finally arriving at the same conclusion. Think we can do something about the border now?”

At publishing time, House Republicans were reportedly readying a resolution to join the majority of humanity in declaring pineapple on pizza to be unacceptable.

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