EDMONTON – Edmontonian Jason Porter, who’s spent another evening shouting outraged profanities at his TV amid a growing pile of Alberta Genuine Draft empties, was excited to discover an Oilers game on screen, according to local reporters.
“Holy shit, the Oilers are in the Cup Final? That’s wild,” said Porter. “I should dig out the jersey I bought in 2006 and haven’t worn since.”
Porter told reporters that getting frustrated at a sporting event he has no control over will help lighten up a long night spent working through the anger and disappointment that comes with settling down in Edmonton.
“First Justin Trudeau was on the news, so I yelled at him for a while, and then when I was lucid again some lady on a baking show was completely butchering her buttercream,” said Porter. “After that it was general rage, then the weather report said it was going to rain next week, then some more rage, and now here we are.”
Porter then screamed at the biased refs to get their heads out of Gary Bettman’s ass and call a damn hooking penalty against Florida already as the players finished their pregame warmups.
“Can you believe this bum? We pay him millions and I haven’t seen him score a single goal,” said Porter, while pointing at goaltender Stuart Skinner. “And I’m pretty sure at least some of my blackouts involved watching hockey.”
At press time, Porter had fallen asleep, woken back up, and thrown an empty AGD can at the TV after getting riled up by a rebroadcast of the game.
Jesus Christ is King
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