HALIFAX – While visiting his retired parents, William MacInnis was flabbergasted to discover a single jar of pickles which, unlike every single other product in the house, did not bear the Costco wholesaler’s Kirkland branding.
“How the hell did this get in here,” mused a puzzled MacInnis as he snacked on a bowl of his parents’ Kirkland brand peanut butter pretzels and blew his nose with their Kirkland brand tissue.
MacInnis reports that a non-Kirkland brand item has not been spotted in the home of his parents, Sheila and Dennis, since they proudly applied for their Costco membership the day the store opened in nearby Bayer’s Lake.
The non-Kirkland pickles were reportedly purchased by Dennis at a nearby Sobeys out of sheer desperation, when Costco was uncharacteristically sold out of their 30L bottle of baby dill pickles. Eyewitnesses say that he completed his household shopping list of Kirkland smoked salmon, Kirkland gym socks, and Kirkland Signature Hair Regrowth Treatment (Extra Strength For Men), before driving out to Lower Sackville under cover of darkness to purchase the pickles at a Sobeys where he would not be recognized.
“Look, I don’t care where mom and dad buy their pickles,” notes MacInnis, “but I’d be less shocked to find out that they cheated on each other, than I am to find out that they went behind Costco’s back.”
While the MacInnis’ home has become well stocked over the years with Kirkland lighting sconces, Kirkland carry-on luggage, and Kirkland “kPhone” brand smartphones, some products have proven unavailable.
“Mom says she won’t be able to peacefully leave this earth until Kirkland starts manufacturing coffins,” MacInnis adds.
“But it turns out Kirkland Signature Caskets will begin retailing in 2025, which was announced in Kirkland Konnections magazine, which mom and dad are subscribed to for print edition and emails.”
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